Long Shrift

armed and dangerous

Imagine you've got some technical skills, spare time, and access to a robotic arm. You might decide to have a little fun with it. The first hurdle is figuring out an easy way to control the arm. Once that's done, you have a little fun. Then someone gets hurt, and you decide to switch to more pastoral entertainments. Perhaps you see an opportunity for artistic expression. Searching for a challenge, you briefly experiment with elaborate solutions to mundane problems. Human nature being what it is, eventually things come to blows, and before you know it, you've thrown it all away.

And that's what separates us from monkeys.

it's actually a 'pee-book'

Doing some gift shopping. I'm thinking this is not a book that you'd want on your Kindle.

Also, while I appreciate that you're trying to help me find a deal, I am also not interested in ordering a used version of the book, even if it only costs $.13.

nox populi

I don't care what you think.

CNNs gotten irritating of late, as they push for more interaction. They incessantly promote their blogs, their Twitter feed, and worst of all, their iReporters.

It wasn't unexpected: CNN and other news outlets discovered, like the major networks did, that reality is cheap. People will put their opinions on grainy video for free, just for the chance to be seen on TV for a brief, shining moment. Now you can interview the 'man on the street' without even having to go to the street. Heck, there may not be a street to go to.

Problem is, I don't care what these schmoes think. Part of the problem is that this isn't really what those schmoes are thinking: it's what a bunch of editors at CNN think you're thinking. They comb through hundreds or thousands of submissions, and then pare these down to a few seconds of sound bites. Even brilliant thinkers would have a hard time expressing anything coherent in such a format, and let's face it... there are a lot of stupid people out there.

And recently, hearing people express their anger over the AIG bonus hullabaloo is particularly irritating to me. Look, I understand the outrage the $165 million in bonuses that AIG is planning on handing out to their employees. I could go into detail about why I think they should pay those people the bonuses and move on, but Ruth Marcus at the Washington Post can say it much more eloquently. The only people who have anything to gain from this are lawyers - and remember, you, me, and everyone you know with a Social Security card owns 80% of AIG, so it's your money that would be spent. So let's have a good laugh and move on already, people.

I believe that there are people out there who have interesting perspectives on AIG and more important issues. I just think news organizations should find people who know what they're talking about, and then give them more than 20 seconds to say it. But then that would cut into the commercial breaks.

both sides now

A man in Maryland tires of hearing about kosher salt, and wonders why Christian salt isn't good enough. You can see where this is going.

Meanwhile, a man in London wants to be 'debaptised,' and a secular group starts selling the certificates.

Apropos of nothing, a friend of ours is getting a colonoscopy and an endoscopy tomorrow. I asked if they can take pictures of each other when they meet in the middle. Apparently the answer is no.

sitting on your assets

Economists and politicians may disagree about the economy, but there's no doubt that things are bad. Consider that the Hummer, the veritable flagship of conspicuous consumerism, may be on its way out. Of course, the fact that Hummer could be an endangered species will only increase their value, which could arguably make one of these monstrosities appear to be a good investment. One can only hope that Hummer owners consider keeping them in the garage instead of driving like assholes.

But a few people still manage to prosper in difficult times, and they have to spend their money on something. High-end appliances from Dyson started a trend, but just couldn't fill the vacuum. I suspect that if Americans have some excess cash, yet want to stay at home, they will literally hunker down on the new status symbols: expensive toilets.

It's not so farfetched, considering that bathrooms have become such a big draw. No longer content with two-bathroom houses, homebuyers are looking for master suites that rival spas. The bathroom is the new retreat, the new stay at home vacation: bathtubs have been supplanted by whirlpools and jacuzzis, and showers must have multiple water fixtures. It's laughable to think that people will watch hi-def TV's from ordinary toilets - they just won't stand for it.

Cocktail party conversation will turn to bulk flushing performance, and of course, some jokes about the Coriolis effect will start going around. What people should be talking about is health care reform. After all, if you need a toliet that will handle several chess sets or three pounds of Gummi bears, your first stop should be at a gasteroenterologist's office, not a home furnishings showroom.

Me, I'm going to skip ahead of the trend, to next-generation water heaters. I've got an idea for how to keep the bath water toasty... but first I'll need to see if I need zoning approval for the concrete sarcophagus.

winging it

Magpies can recognize themselves in mirrors, something that supposedly only primates could do. Crows can use tools and solve puzzles. Some birds can be trained to pick up change, while other birds change with the times, and some birds just like change. Some birds just take what they want.

But mice can hook you up with the good stuff.